Dr. Neil Hair

Autumn 2008 - two days ago - Didcot. Neil celebrates with his two friends the two magnificent victories against his nemisis - the evil - younger brother in the board game Axis and Allies. Whilst his brother faught long and strong, the intellectual superiority of The Master eventually triumphed. With a double Russian / UK mainland European attack through the Ukraine SSR the German war machine (consisting now of mostly men that defend at a roll dice of 2) hiding in the capital - was crushed. With great sadness in his eyes the apprentice handed over Germany's income to The Master - who sat back on the makeshift floor seat, Cuban Siglo II cigar in hand - smiled the ever so subtle smile that says unequivocally - 'I just squashed you like a little flower.' The game was long and the game was hard. In the series of games we played however we are now matched 2 a piece. What was to called 'Neils Troublesome Trip' was saved in the throw of 17 dice that score at 3. A few quick facts for you on the history of our game;

1. I was first introduced to The Board Game in 1986 by a US serviceman living in the house behind us in Grove, Oxfordshire.
2. My mother imported the game for me from the States for the Christmas of 1986. It remains the best present I have ever recieved.
3. My brother started playing at the tender age of 10.
4. He has beaten me 7 times.
5. We have played over 200 games.
6. I do not cheat.
7. He does.
8. He has a tendency to leave his capital open.
9. I do not.
10. Each game takes around 5 hours. This makes the game unpopular with normal people.
11. Starting the game at 10 to midnight is not a good idea.
12. Despite having played the game for over 20 years Greg's interpretation of the rules is imaginative at best.
13. Raised voices throughout the game is perfectly normal. Neighbours need not be concerned.
14. He plays with white dice, I play with red. Never use your opponents dice. Its bad luck.
15. Loosing is genuinely painful. Thankfully he looses more than I do.
16. The decider will be played this November (and we will roll for sides).

So. Having successfully removed the excessive levels of zink protecting my little ginger skin from the sun today - my red head loving wife sent me a link to a Telegraph article that she found on Vogue. It seems that Vogue, in its fine wisdom of all things fashion, has decided to post for the 7th time in its 116 year history a 'glorious' picture of Karen Elson - on the front page. No doubt Karen's lovely pale complexion has been maintained by her similar use of SPF factor 50 (thats right - fifty in my case). Anyways, the world is said to be in shock. Several issues of note from the article: That there is a "red-headed reputation for being hot-tempered and being hypersensitive to pain" - a comment so absolutely rubbish that I flew into a violent rage before getting a headache - that we are "proud flame-throwers" (I particularly liked that one) and of course liberal smatterings of use of the word 'Duracell' (trademark infringement noted in the article by the way) and most imaginatively 'carrot top' and 'ginger nut' by the author Hannah Betts. I actually enjoyed reading it to be honest - but seriously - only 7 times in 116 years? What they need now are statistics demonstrating the hike in readership for the month of September. Buy it now and put Ginger back on the map! Oh and dont you pity the poor researcher that had to go back and count all the previous issues?

So, everyone's talking about purple. The street signs are suddenly purple - we even have purple cross walks. Which come in handy since there are lots of people in Rochester right now and not a lot of cars. The reason? Lupins. Too many of em. Rochesterians are pretty much Lupin crazy this time of year - the most Lupins in North America by all accounts. Enough to make a Monty Python fan very happy with life. I wont be going to the Lupin festival this year - Ive seen enough of them on campus and besides which I am still mourning the Magnolia blossom (a far more delightful sight in my humble opinion). Lupins. Loopy.

The answer - 1500 Belgian students playing silly buggers down town. That's what. I love Europe and I love Europeans. I prefer viral marketing however… Coke finally gets it - what with all its free publicity.

An amusing report from the old country on last nights storm in the UK. All 1.6 inches of it has basically closed the country as both government agencies and the MET office (the UK's national weather center) issue warnings to people. In Rochester last night we got three inches - this morning the roads have been cleared, the pathways are danceable, and business is very much as usual. Just goes to show how practiced we are in these parts for this kind of weather.

The weather people get all excited about the possibility of serious snow and go on about nothing else for three days. Allow me to elaborate:

Thursday 13th. Weather on the 9's report the possibility of some snow over the weekend. No raised voices, no extended weather on the 9's.

Friday 14th. Morning. Weather on the 9's and then 10's suggest there could be some serious snow fall over the weekend. No raised voices, no glee - just another weekend for Rochesterians.

Friday 14th. Afternoon. Weather on the 9's and 10's suddenly becomes the only news story. Serious snow fall has now become - one of Rochester's top ten weather events since records began back in 1860. Why they began in 1860 is not made clear. Perhaps it was a bad winter and someone decided they should probably start recording this stuff.

Friday 14th. Evening. All other news events suspended. Climate control in Bhali? Nothing. Election campaign? Nothing. Weather and lots of snow? The only thing on TV. Neil checks cupboards to ensure sufficient tonic water and limes for the ensuing sit in.

Friday 14th. 11pm. Its all about the snow. Up to 25 inches now estimated total by Monday morning starting Saturday night. Neil checks fridge for ample supplies of milk and then cupboard for coffee. Listens to people on tv reporting huge lines at Wegmans. Neil smiles since he was there at 3pm as soon as the faculty meeting ended. Neil goes to bed knowing that all will be well, fridge is stocked, cupboard also, Bombay brimming, limes looking lovely, organic coffee spilling and more milk than a Freijan Cow in the fridge.

Saturday 15th. 9am. 25 inches of snow revised to 5 inches, possibly lots of sleet because a warm front is heading our way from the south. Neil devastated. Thoughts of tales for grandchildren of the BIG WHITE OUT now dashed. The big sit in has become all of a sudden the big joke. And the joke is on the weather people. Neil leaves home in search of alternative entertainment. Settles for hair cut, comes home and bakes pizza and prepares Margharitas for the ensuing warm spell.

To be continued…

Sunday morning 10am. So, I raise my weary head expecting all hell to have broken loose outside and instead I am greeted with lovely Rustic Village staff - bemused looks on their faces as they clear around 1 inch of snow from the ground that fell over night. Absolutely gutted - have donned shorts and a T-shirt and will head out for a bbq with friends this afternoon. What an overly dramatized bit of spin from the weather people… Ive seen more snow in a snow globe! Who sponsors these weather reports? the Comedy Channel? What also amuses me is the local news take on the fiasco.. 'though less snow fell than was expected..' sort of stuff that goes on to state the doom and gloom / dangers of the inch that has fallen. Give me a break. Just say sorry for having gotten is so very wrong and let me enjoy my morning coffee in peace

So much for your 'Ultimate Dopplar Radar' (which upon this performance I am convinced is nothing more than a bucket of water and a stick).

Monday morning. 8am. Appears we had a little snow last night, I cant see my car exactly, but Im sure its where I left it.

So, having recently estolled the special relationship England has in my mind with Canada I came across an article from the BBC reflecting on Prime Minister Brown's position on UK foreign policy (the BBC is by far my favourite news site DESPITE the recent decision to pursue advertising as a means of generating revenue). I wanted to share because it reinforced a comment I make to most of my students at some stage when we discuss international marketing and the UK-US bond. When we 'say' we have a 'special relationship' what does that 'really' mean? Does this ever go beyond the 'Ive been to America - because Ive been shopping in New York' or the 'Ive been to England because Ive been shopping in London' crowd? For those doubters out there the following extract may well solidify the conviction - it certainly shocks most of my students when they hear it for the first time:

"When considering the relationship a British prime minister must have with the United States, it must never be forgotten that there is a not-so-secret tie binding the US and UK together. It is the agreement, renewed only in the past year, under which the United States and Britain swap information on nuclear weapons and Britain buys US missiles for its nuclear submarines. No British prime minister can afford to distance his or her country from the US to such an extent that the trust involved in such an arrangement is dissipated. After all, the US has given the UK the ability to destroy much of the American homeland, an act of trust with no parallel in history."

A few other facts that Ive learned over the years that have helped me understand the relationship:

1. Eating faggots is not considered the done thing in America.
2. Placing ticks in boxes in the US is likely to offend the tick.
3. Lever said in the US is - when translated into English - a kind of coat made from cows hide.
4. Lever said in the UK is - when translated into the US - a way of departing from a once loved female.
5. Herb in the US is a popular shortened name for Herbert when translated into English.
6. Aluminium in the UK translates to the US as a latin form of to iluminate.
7. A retainer in the US holds teeth, a retainer in the UK also holds teeth but only if you pay him or her to do so.
8. Swimmies in the US help provide bouyancy in water, swimmies in the UK are a form of trunk to be worn when swimming.
9. A trunk in the US is the back end of a car. In the UK a trunk is something you wear when swimming.
10. A boot in the UK is the back end of a car. The bootie in the US is a backend of a person.
11. A hood in the US is the front end of a car. A hood in the UK is the front end of a coat.
12. Bacon in the UK is a delicious form of pork - as succulent as it is tasty. Bacon in the US is a dried substance that is good for striking matches.
13. Pants in the US are worn outside of undergarments. Pants in the UK are always worn inside of ones trousers (unless you are Madonna or Cameo).
14. A basement in the UK is a place for storing coal. A basement in the US is a place for storing Canadians.
15. Ice cream in the US is actually made of cream. Ice cream in the UK is actually made out of corrigated cardboard.
16. In the UK a sandwich is a single slice of meat layered in bread. In the US it is the entire animal with the bread on the side.
17. In the UK a motor race involves turning corners. In the US this also means turning corners but usually only one way (left).
18. Over 95% of cars in the UK are manuals. Over 95% of cars in America are automatics.
19. Most distressed tourists in England are Americans attempting to drive manual cars on the wrong side of the road. Most distressed tourists in America are English attempting to eat sandwiches without understanding the concept of 'the box'.
20. The English drive on the left so they can hold a sword in their right hands as they pass attacking oncomers. Americans drive on the left because they wanted to annoy the invading English (true).

I have many many more to share - and over time I will. Thats it for now.

Happy thanksgiving everyone, I miss Rochesher as much as I miss England when Im away from it.

The first ten are always the most challenging… I am of course referring to my students. I always find myself spending over half an hour on each paper reading, analyzing, and reflecting on how I can help someone improve. That was the start of my day, working hard. Reading, analyzing and writing. So, after five hours I decided that was enough - Ive done enough with ten students to go on home and spend a little time watching the Rugby World Cup. England - my team - my glorious team - world cup winners of the last tournament - against the French - THE FRENCH - AS IN IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO WE PLAY OR WHETHER WE BEAT OR NOT SO LONG AS WE BEAT THE FRENCH - especially on French Soil… we won. We won. We are in the final. And it has me thinking, why aren't the Americans in longing for this game? You would LOVE this game you really would… so you play with pads… we forgive you… you try to play with your worst players… we forgive you… you want to go to the video screen within 3 seconds - WE FORGIVE YOU… but just imagine, beating the French on French soil - IN PARIS… this we cannot forgive, nor wish upon anyone… to feel it you have to play America… England. England beat France. England beat France. We are in the final. Don't expect much from me next weekend. Sorry Rose… Dont expect much this week - England beat France… we beat France.

If you thought the Chief Information Officer had it easy looking after all that precious information in your company I've news for you. There's a new kid in town. The job of the century has to be - wait for it - Chief Leaf Spotter. Now, I had previously thought that the Brits took the issue of weather very seriously. It is in our genes after all and some say we are born pondering the predicament of rain, sunshine or mixed bags of partial cloud cover. Not now so. It appears that America once again does things just a little bit better. The Department of Economic Development employ Leaf Spotters to identify when the leaves change colour and thus the seasons change…

I can hear the stunned silence. So, a little digging and the statistics are startling and very worrying. On the 19th September it was reported that as much as 20% of the local leaves of the Greater Niagara region were a dull yellow with orange highlights. Letchworth Park and the Finger Lakes have up to 15% change with yellow and reds in the next few weeks. Startling news for a region that relies so heavily on the summer for warm feelings, long summer drinks, and Samsung Air Conditioning units. Even the Catskills will see up to 25% change with a lot of red and gold highlights so there is it seems no escape from seasonal change.

One has to wonder what training a Leaf Spotter must endure, what salary or hourly rate they are paid, and how gruelling the final exams for professional certification must be.

Just ask Timberlake - I see his box song has won him an Emmy. Everyone was talking about it, everyone was singing it, goodness knows how many people were doing it. Facebook even got in on the act with their gifting options. So how does one really make the perfect viral video campaign? First off I suggest you study the more effective campaigns in existence. How does one select these campaigns? Numbers for one. How many times has this video been cited? Make sure you also identify the me-too's who love to start their own YouTube thread for the same video. Once you've identified the most creative - come and see me - I have a methodology in place for exploring the perceptions of effectiveness. Seriously, any independent study students of honors students who want a project looking at this? The Journal of Interactive Marketing and the International Journal of Market Research have recently announced special issues we could work towards.