Dr. Neil Hair

It's crisis time in the Hair household. It is 10pm on Monday night and the Wife and I decided to stay in and watch some TV. A big mistake. Only one thing has come from it – you've guessed it, Dr Neil Hair's top ten loathed adverts of all time.. for your pleasure and almost in order of play:

Metro Matress, not the sort of ad you want to see before heading off to bed – in fact – not the sort of advert you want to see full stop. I instantly hit the mute button before the chorus but its already too late – my mind is playing it in a continuous loop for the next two hours – yes it is probably me you see screaming obscenities out of the window of my car as I pass one of Pitsfords plazzas. Next is lovely William Mattar – who wants you to call him if youre hurt in a car. Dont worry – lines are open 24 hours every day which means you can call him straight after you call for an ambulance on 911 – 1-800-William Mattar! Speaking of cars, here's Geno – seems like a nice guy who wants to sell you car insurance and uses – of all things – a frog as his mascot. A Frog! Genius!! I dont know about you but when I think of car insurance I DO think of frogs! Then one of my all time favourites – "HIME THIIIINKING OF A NUMBER" – that lovable redhead who wants YOU to give them a call and find out your credit report score – you can EVEN print it out if you want to. I am also thinking of a number ginger – youve guessed it – the number of years I might get if I ever DO finally catch up with you in person. All is not lost – I get to laugh at the E-Harmony advert where they have paid a PhD to say something interesting like – the path to a happy love life is only 24 proven compatibility factors – makes me wanna hug my wife for not having had to resort to a FREE profile (normally $60 – $60 to tell you how hopeless you are and that you will die lonely with no friends). So, in the mood for romance and the advert turns to Marketplace liquor – 'WEVE GOT… FINE WINES FOR A SONG? Hows this for a song – anything by Marlyn MANSON involving some sort of pain!!! Now Im angry, and what better than any advert for SHOUT products where the annoying chap that seems to have dived into a bath of Rograin hair product starts SHOUTING about the cleaning abilities of his products. WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING LITTLE MAN?!! IT WONT GET IT ANY CLEANER!!! Ah a blissful state ensues with the reminder that D-Snore is a great product for reducing snoring – heck it can 'even ruin a romantic cruise' (important note to self), what better to use in conjunction than your Craftmatic adjustable bed? It seems this gent talks like he's on TV all the time – his poor wife. And to cap it off (number 11) – a reminder of America's glorious past from our friends Rochester Colonial, your 'window and door experts.' It leaves me actively searching for Robert Wagner to make it all right and restore my faith in American TV ads.

*Exit Neil through a door left.*